How to Flea "spot On" cats

1. First “detain” your cat.
2. After chasing on for a few minutes, sit wait, and select a different cat (it helps if there are 2 or 3)
3. While holding your cat still, using your third hand hold the syringe and press the plunger of the dispense syringe.
4. OK, your partner will do the syringe. No partner? goto 3 ²
5. Wait excessive time (over three seconds), holding the struggling cat, while partner operates syringe.
6. Release struggling cat and wash fresh puncture wound on tip of ring finger of left hand.
7. Clean the, slightly squirty, puncture wound, apply antiseptic cream (none available use alcohol¹ and wince)
8. Check location of released cat and consider the meaning of the phrase “evil eye”
9. Locate original cat – no not going under there for her. 5.5 kilos of “sod off” looking at me.

Good news only two more cats to go.
The smart one is hiding underneath a good defensive feature and the dopey one will be along in about an hour when his stomach announces supper time. That should leave the smart one.

I will try not to repeat certain stages in the sequence. It’s probably good that I can’t touch-type, because that’s out at the moment.

¹ Non-potable, save the good stuff for later.

Result Number 2

DopeyOneKenobi meandered in for an early “supper” and simply stood there while getting a syringe full of tacky gunk on the back of his neck. Treaties for him.

Good kitty

I recently put flea stuff onto Wawa and Anna.

The method was simple. Don’t get up and feed them at the usual time. Go out 2 or 3 hours later. Feed them something nice ¹. They’ll be a lot more interested in that than what you’re doing with their neck.

¹ I think the wild boar and reindeer (!) food counts as “something special”. They agree. Because we all know that every cat dreams of taking down a boar and dragging it through the cat flap. They’d dream of felling reindeer too, if they had any idea what that actually is…

The method was simple. Don’t get up and feed them at the usual time. Go out 2 or 3 hours later. Feed them something nice 1. They’ll be a lot more interested in that than what you’re doing with their neck.

Yes, but then you can’t write such hilarious (and yet very recognisable) story like Steve’s.

Because we all know that every cat dreams of taking down a boar and dragging it through the cat flap.

Moet (RIP) brought many things back, live rabbits and live pheasant among the lengthy list. Good a catching, not so good on the killing.

They’ll be a lot more interested in that than what you’re doing with their neck.

Minnie is the one that tries to open windows etc – just doesn’t have the required muscle power or opposable thumb, otherwise we would need childproof locks and key on a necklace thing – fooling her is not that simple. Got 4 paws, fur and looks like the Felix packet picture, still not sure that she’s totally cat.

Luckily I know how to flee cats, which avoids any need to flea them.

I know how to fleece a sheep, but it’s too much trouble; far easier to fleece the shepherd. But I’m too decent to do that.

Reminds me of when a neighbour went on holiday and asked me to feed their cat. After it bit me, it went hungry.

but then you can’t write such hilarious (and yet very recognisable) story

True, but understanding the nature of cat is essential if you wish to remain intact and not leaking the precious red stuff that’s inside.

After it bit me, it went hungry.

Some expats in the next village over asked us to look after their cat, Lucky. They provided cat, and a pile of Lidl catfood.
They forgot to mention that the cat was possessed by the soul of Jason Voorhees.
I got to feeding it by putting the food into a disposable plastic bowl (remember those?) and basically flinging it in through a crack in the door. Luckily the antichrist was more interested in the food than clawing us. No, it wasn’t trying to escape. It got out when mom was trying to feed it, attempted to attack her (luckily jeans, boots, and gardening gloves meant the damage was minimal) and then went back into the stable. It was doing this intentionally.

People returned, took cat back, and it lived for another three or four months before dying. No idea why it died but they saw fit to tell everybody that we killed it.

So between that and making allegations that mom was a druggie (she knew many medicines, kind of normal for a nurse, dontcha think?), these people quickly dropped off our radar.
And since a lot of the nearby expats were more friendly with them (free beer always helps), pretty soon everybody else dropped off the radar too.

So, over here I think I know maybe three English people. Good riddance ¹ and f#*+ the rest of ‘em. They’re the sort that give us a bad name ²³.

¹ Post referendum, a lot of panic selling in order to return “home”.

² In-ger-lund! shouted at full blast in the supermarket whilst waving a white flag with a red cross on it. Yeah, that’s lovely. My only comment to the checkout girl watching this – I’m Scottish.

³ I wonder how many of those around now have bothered making their residency applications? I’ve overheard people in town saying stuff like “nah, don’t worry, they can’t kick us out, we saved them in the war remember?” (yes, seriously, they still keep dragging up WW2). BZZZT! WRONG! Without a residency permit (or application) and having been here before January and have tax returns to prove residency, the rights of Brits now are more or less the same as the rights for Americans and Somalians. Don’t blame France, this is entirely England’s doing. They can order you to leave, they can even tell you not to come back. Which may or may not apply to all Schengen countries. Because being an EU citizen gave rights that Brits no longer have. Oh, and everybody please STFU about “the war”.

Our first cat, back in the 70’s, got up to all sorts. Once it took down a seagull in next door’s back garden – white feathers everywhere. It would also jump up and hang from the back door handle to let itself in when it rained. There was an inner porch where it would then sit and wait out of the rain until we let it all the way into the house. It never appeared to try getting in the second door, but was probably happy enough to be out of the rain.

they saw fit to tell everybody that we killed it.

Many years ago some friends agreed to look after a neighbours dog whilst they went on holiday. They turned up and handed the dog over on a lead and then after saying their goodbyes got in their car and proceeded to drive off whilst my friends waved goodbye.

The dog got rather vocal and managed to break free to run after the car.

The car turned the corner of the road by the time the dog was half way down the road and then the dog stopped suddenly and fell to the floor and my friends ran to it to find it had died.

The neigbours rang a couple of times in the week to enquire about the dog and my friends told them it was fine as not to spoil their holiday.

When the neighbours returned a week later they did thankfully understand why they were not told that the dog had died.

Our first cat, back in the 70’s, got up to all sorts.

The cat of a friend was used to the catflap, and when taken to stay at the friend’s mothers managed to mistakenly get jammed in the letterbox, a similar sort of device in principle!

when taken to stay at the friend’s mothers managed to mistakenly get jammed in the letterbox,

LOL.
How dare you! I have not put on weight this damned cat flap has shrunk!

A neighbour at my parents house had a big blue Persian which used to hunt in the field next to our house. One day I saw it coming back with a massive rabbit. He had his jaws clamped around the back of its neck, and was awkwardly dragged it underneath him, straddling it with his front paws. He arrived at the cat flap and tried to go in the normal way of head first while still holding the rabbit. This obviously didn’t work, so he sat there thoughtfully for a seconds, turned around and reversed through the cat flap. Once the cat was through there was this comical sight of a rabbit sitting outside the door, which then suddenly jumped backwards through the cat flap. About 15 seconds later there was this almighty scream from Mrs Nextdoor.